Not sure if you’ve heard the big news, but the latest installment of the craptacular schlocknomenon that is the Twilight movie series is coming out this month.
Cue horrible trailer with requisite scary chanting music!
In honor of this occasion, I wanted to take some time to recognize all the poorly adjusted, eerily devoted fans that have made these celluloid aberrations possible. And what better way than to highlight some of the most disturbing Twilight merchandise that the interwebs has to offer?
In order of creepiness:
5. The Edward Cullen shower curtain
Front to back, Bella.
It’s not so much that there’s a Twilight shower curtain floating around out there that bothers me–it’s that its design consists of an enormous, disembodied, slightly sneering Edward Cullen head staring at you whilst you drop a deuce.
Extra sadness points for the fact that the Etsy shop this comes from is full of a lot of really rad shower curtains … none of which I will now consider buying because they come from the same shop as this monstrosity. Guilt by association is a powerful, powerful thing.
4. The Edward Cullen guardian angel wall decal
Available in an array of soothing sepia tones!
One could argue that the shower curtain’s creepier, and I would probably agree with you if not for the “Be Safe” decal that comes with this life-sized colorform. Because nothing is more comforting than a simulation of the eerily stalkeresque relationship between our two unlikely protagonists.
Also, vampires don’t cast fucking shadows.
3. The official Bella engagement ring
Nothing says forever like diamonds from your undead boyfriend.
Just in case you’re straining to read the fine print, the description opens like this:
Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella’s Engagement RingTM!
This seems to imply one of two things. Either:
1) This ring is being marketed toward ladies who are getting engaged to real men that they wish were Edward Cullen, or
2) Ladies are buying this $2,00o engagement ring for themselves so they can pretend they are engaged to Edward Cullen.
This product also has the distinction of being the only one on the list that is “official” Twilight merchandise, meaning that Stephanie Meyer is just batshit crazy enough to think that this is a nice addition to the series’ tween-targeted cosmetic jewelry line.
2. The felted Bella womb, complete with mutant fetus
Ok, so it’s not actually available for purchase. But shit.
And the winner is…
1. The Vamp
Once you go undead, you can't go back.
This dildo boasts “a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow,” the ability to retain cold “for that authentic experience,” and, of course, “sparkle.”
Make sure to read the user reviews before you order yours.