Tag Archives: aberrations

Blargh, Blog

So, it turns out that graduate school is not conducive to blogging.

It’s not because grad school life is busy (though it sometimes is) or because writing for class leaves me less than eager to write anything else during my down time (though it sometimes does). It’s because, since I started school full-time, I no longer seem to have anything interesting to share with y’all. I’ve lost track of current events, music, and the more interesting corners of the interwebs as I’ve baked my brain into an academic jelly that, much like the meat-filled Jell-O casserole below, is filled with all sorts of weird crap that I suspect we’d all rather not talk about too much.

If sadness were a food.

Don’t get me wrong. I love school. I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it full-time while maintaining the fun, non-school things that make me feel like a relatively functional member of the greater universe. But I will! In the meantime, please accept my horrible picture of a 1960s meat and gelatin casserole as a conciliatory offering.

(Photo courtesy of Lileks.com’s “The Institute of Regrettable Cheer,” which is quite possibly my favorite site on THE ENTIRE INTERNET. If you’ve never wasted full mornings or afternoons perusing its pages of epically bad American kitsch, consider this tip Conciliatory Offer #2.)

Steampunk Palin

I’m sure there are words, but I can’t seem to find them.

Click Sarah's enormous tatas for the full article.

Question to all the comic book lovers in my life: Are you familiar with these artists? Is it possible that they’re kidding? I mean, they’re kidding, right?

Right?

Points to Patty O’Toole for the assist.

Pajama Jeans!

The perfect gift for that lady in your life who just doesn’t care anymore.

(Thanks to Sarah for the assist.)

 

Hot, hot heat

After last week’s lovely 82-and-sunniness, I thought that my fair city was trying to convince me to stay.

Foolish me.

Undying Obsession

Not sure if you’ve heard the big news, but the latest installment of the craptacular schlocknomenon that is the Twilight movie series is coming out this month.

Cue horrible trailer with requisite scary chanting music!

In honor of this occasion, I wanted to take some time to recognize all the poorly adjusted, eerily devoted fans that have made these celluloid aberrations possible. And what better way than to highlight some of the most disturbing Twilight merchandise that the interwebs has to offer?

In order of creepiness:

5. The Edward Cullen shower curtain

Front to back, Bella.

It’s not so much that there’s a Twilight shower curtain floating around out there that bothers me–it’s that its design consists of an enormous, disembodied, slightly sneering Edward Cullen head staring at you whilst you drop a deuce.

Extra sadness points for the fact that the Etsy shop this comes from is full of a lot of really rad shower curtains … none of which I will now consider buying because they come from the same shop as this monstrosity. Guilt by association is a powerful, powerful thing.

4. The Edward Cullen guardian angel wall decal

Available in an array of soothing sepia tones!

One could argue that the shower curtain’s creepier, and I would probably agree with you if not for the “Be Safe” decal that comes with this life-sized¬† colorform. Because nothing is more comforting than a simulation of the eerily stalkeresque relationship between our two unlikely protagonists.

Also, vampires don’t cast fucking shadows.

3. The official Bella engagement ring

Nothing says forever like diamonds from your undead boyfriend.

Just in case you’re straining to read the fine print, the description opens like this:

Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella’s Engagement RingTM!

This seems to imply one of two things.  Either:

1) This ring is being marketed toward ladies who are getting engaged to real men that they wish were Edward Cullen, or

2) Ladies are buying this $2,00o engagement ring for themselves so they can pretend they are engaged to Edward Cullen.

This product also has the distinction of being the only one on the list that is “official” Twilight merchandise, meaning that Stephanie Meyer is just batshit crazy enough to think that this is a nice addition to the series’ tween-targeted cosmetic jewelry line.

2. The felted Bella womb, complete with mutant fetus

Spoiler Alert!

Ok, so it’s not actually available for purchase. But shit.

And the winner is…

1. The Vamp

Once you go undead, you can't go back.

This dildo boasts “a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow,” the ability to retain cold “for that authentic experience,” and, of course, “sparkle.”

Make sure to read the user reviews before you order yours.

google image of the day

It’s been a while, kids.

I feel so bad about it I baked you a cake. An “obscene astronaut cake,” courtesy of NASA’s “Women in Space” celebration:

What Sally Ride was riding.

Wonderfully inappropriate image courtesy of Cake Wrecks.

Manties

“Once you try a pair, you will wonder why you never tried them before.”

Indeed.