While I doubt it will be as contentious a topic as ladies’ locker room decorum proved to be a while back, there are still a goodly number of shared ladies’ room etiquette issues that need to be addressed, despite the fact that they should be self-evident to those of us raised in this wonderful thing we call modern civilization.
- Ladies, please do not hover. I know what you are thinking, namely that the horror show of a toilet seat you are faced with is such an aberration to all things happy and holy and good that actually sitting on it is unthinkable. While I sympathize, I feel the need to point out that the very aberration that is leading you to loom over the toilet in a thigh-quavering squat is the result of someone before you doing the same looming/quivering/squatting thing you’re doing now. You can’t aim when your legs are trembling. You just can’t. Thusly, the pee-covered seat. Thusly, the subsequent hover. Thusly, more pee on the seat. And so this whole vicious cycle thing gets started. Vicious cycles are the same thing that caused our subprime mortgage crisis. This means they are bad!
- Ladies, please do not answer your cell phones in the bathroom stall. Besides the fact that no one in the bathroom needs to hear a one-sided account of why your ex-boyfriend is such a douche, and besides the fact that no one on the other end of the phone needs to hear strangers making myriad bathroom noises in the background of your conversation, there is the unavoidable issue of how exactly one manages to maintain a cell phone conversation whilst taking care of their bathroom business. Please do not leave your fellow ladies’ room patrons to wonder how you’re managing this juggling act.
- Ladies, please do not start conversations with passing acquaintances or strangers whilst in the stalls. Especially if they are conversations in workplace bathrooms about workplace issues. Unless the conversation goes something like, “Sue? Is that you? Your cubicle is on fire,” followed by, “Oh, holy shit, Margaret. Thank you for letting me know.” Though even in that case there’s not a whole heck of a lot Sue can do about said cubicle fire until she’s done doing her business in said stall. Because she’s busy. In the bathroom. Right.