Dear AU Undergraduates,
There are pants and there are leggings. I understand that you might be receiving mixed messages about the interchangeability of these clothing items, and so I wanted to let you all know that they are not the same thing.
‘But how will I know if what I am wearing on my bottom half is a pair of pants or glorified hosiery masquerading as pants?’ you ask. Don’t worry. I’m here to help. Below is a list of things that might indicate that your pants are not really pants.
- Your “pants” have a crotch gusset.
- Your “pants” easily stretch to three times their actual size.
- You can poke a hole through your “pants” with your fingernail.
- Said hole, once poked, causes a run.
- In certain unflattering lights, your cellulite is visible through your “pants.”
- Your underwear is visible through your “pants.”
- Your lack of underwear is visible through your “pants.”
- You saw your “pants” being worn as pants by a model in an American Apparel ad.
- You bought your “pants” at American Apparel.
- When wearing your “pants,” strangers shout at you phrases such as, “Hey, you, put on some pants!”
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope it helps you as you navigate the minefield that is dressing yourself without your mothers and/or older, judgmental siblings casting editorial glances in your direction.
A Concerned Campus Citizen