your pants might not be pants if…

Dear AU Undergraduates,

There are pants and there are leggings. I understand that you might be receiving mixed messages about the interchangeability of these clothing items, and so I wanted to let you all know that they are not the same thing.

‘But how will I know if what I am wearing on my bottom half is a pair of pants or glorified hosiery masquerading as pants?’ you ask. Don’t worry. I’m here to help. Below is a list of things that might indicate that your pants are not really pants.

  1. Your “pants” have a crotch gusset.
  2. Your “pants” easily stretch to three times their actual size.
  3. You can poke a hole through your “pants” with your fingernail.
  4. Said hole, once poked, causes a run.
  5. In certain unflattering lights, your cellulite is visible through your “pants.”
  6. Your underwear is visible through your “pants.”
  7. Your lack of underwear is visible through your “pants.”
  8. You saw your “pants” being worn as pants by a model in an American Apparel ad.
  9. You bought your “pants” at American Apparel.
  10. When wearing your “pants,” strangers shout at you phrases such as, “Hey, you, put on some pants!”

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope it helps you as you navigate the minefield that is dressing yourself without your mothers and/or older, judgmental siblings casting editorial glances in your direction.


A Concerned Campus Citizen


14 responses to “your pants might not be pants if…

  1. I’ll help you flyer college campuses with this.

  2. Sounds like a plan to me. We can approach offenders with a terse, “We’re on a mission from Gunn.”

  3. It might be more effective if we forgo the words and just hand people photos of Tim Gunn sobbing.

  4. True.
    I’d make Baby Jesus cry before I’d make Tim Gunn cry. Not that I want to make Baby Jesus cry or anything. But, if I had to choose …

  5. This is not a funny situation, it is happening everywhere. I thought Brown students were major culprits but is looking wider spread.

    Last year there were fliers littering campus for a new website called “Tights are not”

    I went to the nearest computer but my heart was deflated to find that it did not exist.

    BUT based on this posting I again searched for said site and was pleasantly surprised to find this:

  6. HA!
    From their “manifesto”–
    “Sure, in the context of sports, ballet, hair metal, and Renaissance fairs, tights function as suitable leg coverings […but] these are not activities that transform tights into pants; these are historical acts of pantslessness.”

    Historical acts of pantslessness makes me giggle.

  7. “Brilliant!” said in the Guiness-commercial-voice…

  8. This is wrong. There is only one important criterion when determining if pants are pants:

    1. Will this item of clothing prevent my bare ass from contact with a locker room bench? If yes, your pants are pants.

  9. “I find your lack of pants disturbing…”

  10. “These are not the pants you’re looking for.”

  11. Umm… I’m confused. Might be the different meanings attributed to words across countries. I mean … really … when the word fanny gets used, I usually end up coughing up splutter everywhere as it means something else here (another part of the female anatomy).

    So, in order to enlighten me, what are ‘pants’ and what are ‘leggings’? Pants to me are either underpants (full brief, bikini brief or g) or trousers (good to know context of sentence in which word is used). Leggings are those things worn in Fame in the 80s. Then there are pantyhose (hosiery) which are the full version of stockings. Tights are thick denier pantyhose.

    See how I may be lost here?

  12. Hi, there.

    I think it’s a terminology issue. Hope this helps:

    Going by your descriptions, “pants”(here)=”trousers” where you are.

    “Tights” are the “thicker, denser pantyhose” of which you speak. “Leggings” are the same thing, but footless, and they may or may not be somewhat thicker, may or may not have a crotch gusset, and may or may not be completely opaque.

    Tights and certain leggings (the kind that are not thicker, have a crotch gusset, and are not completely opaque), I argue here, are not appropriate to wear in lieu of or as though they were trousers, ie, without something covering your, ah … fanny.

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