Ladies’ Room Etiquette

Yes, folks. It’s the long awaited second installment in my Arbitrary Etiquette Series!

While I doubt it will be as contentious a topic as ladies’ locker room decorum proved to be a while back, there are still a goodly number of shared ladies’ room etiquette issues that need to be addressed, despite the fact that they should be self-evident to those of us raised in this wonderful thing we call modern civilization.

Shall we?

• Ladies, please do not hover. I know what you are thinking, namely that the horror show of a toilet seat you are faced with is such an aberration to all things happy and holy and good that actually sitting on it is unthinkable. While I sympathize, I feel the need to point out that the very aberration that is leading you to loom over the toilet in a thigh-quavering squat is the result of someone before you doing the same looming/quivering/squatting thing you’re doing now. You can’t aim when your legs are trembling. You just can’t. Thusly, the pee-covered seat. Thusly, the subsequent hover. Thusly, more pee on the seat. And so this whole vicious cycle thing gets started. Vicious cycles are the same thing that caused our subprime mortgage crisis. This means they are bad!
• Ladies, please do not answer your cell phones in the bathroom stall. Besides the fact that no one in the bathroom needs to hear a one-sided account of why your ex-boyfriend is such a douche, and besides the fact that no one on the other end of the phone needs to hear strangers making myriad bathroom noises in the background of your conversation, there is the unavoidable issue of how exactly one manages to maintain a cell phone conversation whilst taking care of their bathroom business. Please do not leave your fellow ladies’ room patrons to wonder how you’re managing this juggling act.
• Ladies, please do not start conversations with passing acquaintances or strangers whilst in the stalls. Especially if they are conversations in workplace bathrooms about workplace issues. Unless the conversation goes something like, “Sue? Is that you? Your cubicle is on fire,” followed by, “Oh, holy shit, Margaret. Thank you for letting me know.” Though even in that case there’s not a whole heck of a lot Sue can do about said cubicle fire until she’s done doing her business in said stall. Because she’s busy. In the bathroom. Right.

things that make me confused, #50

J.Crew sells “summerweight” shorts. As opposed to those shorts designed for winters endured in harsh climates.

Things that make me cranky, #44

When the person in front of me at the supermarket check-out manages to take up the entire conveyor belt with their three items.

It’s usually older people. The only reason I can guess is that they haven’t logged in as many Tetris hours as those of us born after, say, 1970 have.

aftermath

Dear Cardinals,

Thanks for making the game nice and interesting last night but still letting the Steelers win.

Sincerely,

Jessica

“stubble and lesions to be added via Photoshop”

I think we need to call this guy.

‘Cause pictures are, like, forever.

If only they could make the commercial spots go away.

Dear Eagles,

Thank you for delivering the assurance of a Manning-free Super Bowl.

Sincerely,

Jessica

A neighborly plea

Dear Neighborhood Dog Owner,

There is little that sours a perfectly good mood more completely than stepping in a steaming pile of dog poo. I should know, as my perfectly good mood was soured just moments ago by stepping in such a pile, coyly covered by a fallen leaf.

You–yes, you!–have the power to prevent these instantaneous conversions of good karma to bad karma.

Please?

Jess on Holly.

the most wonderful time of the year

guinea pig toes!

I recently signed up to our local Takoma Park listserve, primarily to keep abreast of town meetings, local crime, stuff like that.

There was little I could have done to prepare for the onslaught of insane-o emails about everything from missing mouthguards to deer eating people’s vegetable gardens. The best part is that some of these emails actually get responses. Sometimes, I think I’d rather not be aware of my neighbors’ more peculiar banks of knowledge. Or, in this case, their youtube-watching habits.

——————
to pen@penhood.net
date Tue, Oct 7, 2008 at 10:58 AM
subject [PEN] guinea pig toes

does anyone in the hood know how to clip our new guinea pig’s toenails, or know a place nearby where we could get it done? We understand there is very much a right way and wrong way, so we need someone with more experience…

Ellen
Pine

———————–
to pen@penhood.net
date Tue, Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 AM
subject RE: [PEN] guinea pig toes

I happen to know there is an informative video on youtube re: proper guinea pig toenail clipping procedures. Don’t have the site, but I’m sure you could find it by searching.

(No, we don’t have a guinea pig.)

Becca
Poplar

delusions

Apparently a lot of men think they look like Tom Brady.