things that make me confused, #50

J.Crew sells “summerweight” shorts. As opposed to those shorts designed for winters endured in harsh climates.

Things that make me cranky, #44

When the person in front of me at the supermarket check-out manages to take up the entire conveyor belt with their three items.

It’s usually older people. The only reason I can guess is that they haven’t logged in as many Tetris hours as those of us born after, say, 1970 have.

aftermath

Dear Cardinals,

Thanks for making the game nice and interesting last night but still letting the Steelers win.

Sincerely,

Jessica

“stubble and lesions to be added via Photoshop”

I think we need to call this guy.

‘Cause pictures are, like, forever.

If only they could make the commercial spots go away.

Dear Eagles,

Thank you for delivering the assurance of a Manning-free Super Bowl.

Sincerely,

Jessica

A neighborly plea

Dear Neighborhood Dog Owner,

There is little that sours a perfectly good mood more completely than stepping in a steaming pile of dog poo. I should know, as my perfectly good mood was soured just moments ago by stepping in such a pile, coyly covered by a fallen leaf.

You–yes, you!–have the power to prevent these instantaneous conversions of good karma to bad karma.

Please?

Jess on Holly.

the most wonderful time of the year

guinea pig toes!

I recently signed up to our local Takoma Park listserve, primarily to keep abreast of town meetings, local crime, stuff like that.

There was little I could have done to prepare for the onslaught of insane-o emails about everything from missing mouthguards to deer eating people’s vegetable gardens. The best part is that some of these emails actually get responses. Sometimes, I think I’d rather not be aware of my neighbors’ more peculiar banks of knowledge. Or, in this case, their youtube-watching habits.

——————
to pen@penhood.net
date Tue, Oct 7, 2008 at 10:58 AM
subject [PEN] guinea pig toes

does anyone in the hood know how to clip our new guinea pig’s toenails, or know a place nearby where we could get it done? We understand there is very much a right way and wrong way, so we need someone with more experience…

Ellen
Pine

———————–
to pen@penhood.net
date Tue, Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 AM
subject RE: [PEN] guinea pig toes

I happen to know there is an informative video on youtube re: proper guinea pig toenail clipping procedures. Don’t have the site, but I’m sure you could find it by searching.

(No, we don’t have a guinea pig.)

Becca
Poplar

delusions

Apparently a lot of men think they look like Tom Brady.

Get angry!

One of Maureen Dowd’s recent columns finds Senator Obama visiting that there fictitious West Wing president for advice on how to respond to the McCain/Palin camp’s shenanigans without seeming like an “angry liberal.”

His answer:

BARTLET: GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

I know it’s fictitious dialog for a fictitious character, but I do think there’s something to it. Not that Obama should pull an Osborne Cox or anything, but I think people understand and relate to people who let themselves get a little pissed off when they’re being, ya know, slandered. (And that “Obama wants to teach babies about condoms” ad is exactly that.)

So get angry.

Grrr.