spamarama

Subject lines appearing in my spam folder today:

1. Protrude deeper and give pleasure to every woman!
2. Become more appetant with females.
3. We offer cheap pills from every problem.
4. Become macho de luxe

I just can’t get over the first one. How does one “protrude deeper”?

(I realize that, by posing that question, I’m practically taunting some of you to answer it.)

“glow, spot, glow.”

The days of misplacing your puppy are over:

glowing fucking puppy!

things that make me cranky, Starbucks barista special edition

Customers who refuse to say tall, venti, grande.

things that make me cranky, #67, #68

#67–Due to an uncustomary string of morning errands, I got my morning tea from Starbucks today instead of the campus coffee shop.

It cost $2.04.

Um, what? They didn’t even have honey, which is a freaking travesty for anyone selling green tea. Though they did throw in an extra tea bag. I guess so I can wear it to a lame protest party later.

#68–A “small” is not “tall,” and I refuse to refer to it as such.

making the fatties pay!

Yesterday, United Airlines announced its plan to charge overweight passengers additional fees or bump them from their flights entirely.

It works like this. If two adjoining seats are available on the overweight passenger’s flight, they can fly with no additional fees. If there are extra seats in coach that are not adjoining, they are required to pay for a second ticket (presumably to compensate for the flight attendant’s having to undergo the laborious task of asking someone else to switch their seat to accommodate the overweight passenger) or they can pay to “upgrade” to business class. If the flight is completely full, then the overweight passenger gets bumped from the flight. But don’t worry! They get refunded. (Continental, Southwest, and Delta already have similar policies.)

The airline made the change after receiving nearly 700 complaints last year from passengers who claimed that the overweight person seated next to them on their flight “infringed on their seat.”

Perhaps the only thing shittier than this policy is the fact that, in several polls I’ve seen in the past couple days, the overwhelming majority of people seem to agree with it.

I mean, seriously. Do parents get fined when their babies cry throughout a flight, or when their kids kick the backs of seats? Do people get fined for bringing really smelly sandwiches on board that fill the entire coach section with smells of onions and vinegar, or for being really smelly themselves, or having loud, obnoxious conversations with their traveling companions? Cause I’d say all those things “infringe” on the other passenger’s comfort as much as not having a left armrest.

There has been so, so much research on biological causes for obesity, and on the ways the classic diet-and-exercise prescription does not work for many, many people. But no matter, cause our society really hates fat people, to the point that 75% of us say make the fatties pay, goddamn it, even when there are empty seats on the fucking plane, because the very presence of their oversized bodies is “infringing” on our comfort.

Seems like, as our society gets more and more “enlightened,” all it’s doing is creating new scapegoats for itself.

the search is over!

Searches that have led people to this website today include:

crazy germans
zooey deschanel hot
“katy perry” underwear*
zooey deschanel hair
dobler effect
underwear girl
naked etiquette

I’m concerned that my blog is leaving these folks feeling unsatisfied. Though it’s good know it needs more girls in underwear!

*quotes theirs

Peeps Show III

The results of The Washington Post‘s annual Peep Show contest are in!

My favorite:

"sweet revenge"

your pants might not be pants if…

Dear AU Undergraduates,

There are pants and there are leggings. I understand that you might be receiving mixed messages about the interchangeability of these clothing items, and so I wanted to let you all know that they are not the same thing.

‘But how will I know if what I am wearing on my bottom half is a pair of pants or glorified hosiery masquerading as pants?’ you ask. Don’t worry. I’m here to help. Below is a list of things that might indicate that your pants are not really pants.

1. Your “pants” have a crotch gusset.
2. Your “pants” easily stretch to three times their actual size.
3. You can poke a hole through your “pants” with your fingernail.
4. Said hole, once poked, causes a run.
5. In certain unflattering lights, your cellulite is visible through your “pants.”
6. Your underwear is visible through your “pants.”
7. Your lack of underwear is visible through your “pants.”
8. You saw your “pants” being worn as pants by a model in an American Apparel ad.
9. You bought your “pants” at American Apparel.
10. When wearing your “pants,” strangers shout at you phrases such as, “Hey, you, put on some pants!”

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope it helps you as you navigate the minefield that is dressing yourself without your mothers and/or older, judgmental siblings casting editorial glances in your direction.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Campus Citizen

naked-in-the-locker-room etiquette

Yes, yes. Locker rooms are places where people are naked. But there are certain unwritten rules about locker room nudity which, based on some of my recent locker room funtimes, need to be written after all.

1. When returning from the showers, “Putting my clothes on my clean, dry body” should always be first in the order of getting-dressed operations. Before putting on your perfume, before blow-drying your hair, before checking the missed messages on your cell phone.
2. Do not converse with people you do not know while either of you is naked, except in the very unlikely case that, say, their hair is on fire or there is a cockroach crawling into their nether regions.
3. For the sake of all that is hygienic and good, do not sit your bare ass on the locker room benches. I can think of no scenario when this would be necessary, and I refuse to believe that such a scenario exists.

That is all. For now. I hope.

(Shudder.)

Nietzsche Family Circus, Vol III

It’s the mismatched mittens that do it for me.