Subject lines appearing in my spam folder today:
- Protrude deeper and give pleasure to every woman!
- Become more appetant with females.
- We offer cheap pills from every problem.
- Become macho de luxe
I just can’t get over the first one. How does one “protrude deeper”?
(I realize that, by posing that question, I’m practically taunting some of you to answer it.)
The days of misplacing your puppy are over:
glowing fucking puppy!
Customers who refuse to say tall, venti, grande.
Searches that have led people to this website today include:
zooey deschanel hot
“katy perry” underwear*
zooey deschanel hair
I’m concerned that my blog is leaving these folks feeling unsatisfied. Though it’s good know it needs more girls in underwear!
The results of The Washington Post‘s annual Peep Show contest are in!
Dear AU Undergraduates,
There are pants and there are leggings. I understand that you might be receiving mixed messages about the interchangeability of these clothing items, and so I wanted to let you all know that they are not the same thing.
‘But how will I know if what I am wearing on my bottom half is a pair of pants or glorified hosiery masquerading as pants?’ you ask. Don’t worry. I’m here to help. Below is a list of things that might indicate that your pants are not really pants.
- Your “pants” have a crotch gusset.
- Your “pants” easily stretch to three times their actual size.
- You can poke a hole through your “pants” with your fingernail.
- Said hole, once poked, causes a run.
- In certain unflattering lights, your cellulite is visible through your “pants.”
- Your underwear is visible through your “pants.”
- Your lack of underwear is visible through your “pants.”
- You saw your “pants” being worn as pants by a model in an American Apparel ad.
- You bought your “pants” at American Apparel.
- When wearing your “pants,” strangers shout at you phrases such as, “Hey, you, put on some pants!”
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope it helps you as you navigate the minefield that is dressing yourself without your mothers and/or older, judgmental siblings casting editorial glances in your direction.
A Concerned Campus Citizen
Yes, yes. Locker rooms are places where people are naked. But there are certain unwritten rules about locker room nudity which, based on some of my recent locker room funtimes, need to be written after all.
- When returning from the showers, “Putting my clothes on my clean, dry body” should always be first in the order of getting-dressed operations. Before putting on your perfume, before blow-drying your hair, before checking the missed messages on your cell phone.
- Do not converse with people you do not know while either of you is naked, except in the very unlikely case that, say, their hair is on fire or there is a cockroach crawling into their nether regions.
- For the sake of all that is hygienic and good, do not sit your bare ass on the locker room benches. I can think of no scenario when this would be necessary, and I refuse to believe that such a scenario exists.
That is all. For now. I hope.
It’s the mismatched mittens that do it for me.